Train of thought

I came back from Fantasy Fest. It feels like an entirely different, boring world. It's weird how empty it feels. That's probably not the world's fault. On a related note, I bet very few people go to Fantasy Fest alone. It seems like a thing friends or couples go to. I did see about getting people to go, but that didn't work out and I still wanted to go so I did. That happens to me when I want to watch a movie, too. Or almost anything.

I'm trying to figure out what I want/expect from people. It seems like I have an extremely difficult time bringing people in, and can push people away with shocking ease. Sometimes, without even trying. One of the frustrating things is that when I actually try to interact with friends outside of face to face, it doesn't seem to go particularly well, most of the time. Either I get ignored, or responses feel forced. It makes me feel like when I actually am in person next to the same people, maybe they're still just being polite. People can be pretty good at fake-getting along. I suppose with certain people, that's not really a thing.

Back to the topic of Fantasy Fest, I was thinking maybe I should do it differently next time. Everybody there is having so much fun. I should try to be on the same page. That's scary to me. Will drinking make me have more fun? Will it make me a better conversationalist with the people that do end up talking to me? Will it change me so that I actually look like I'm enjoying myself? I should go with friends, and actually spend time with them doing things, unlike when I would go to MegaCon with friends. But then I run into the whole problem of getting people to go. I'll see about wearing some shorts and a tshirt. Or I'll get a costume. Maybe V for Vendetta, rather than my more subtle things I often do.

I've made comment on not feeling things. I wonder if I just can't tell if/when I'm feeling things. Here's an example to illustrate. When I drive for more than an hour, I get tired. It's a very consistent thing. I left for Fantasy Fest at 1am after spending 9.5 hours at work. I drove for 3 hours and felt fine. I still pulled over and took a nap because I didn't want tired setting in while doing the bridge part of the journey. I originally assumed that I wasn't having drowsiness issues because I was driving in unfamiliar territory. I rejected that assumption on my way home when I got sleepy while driving in Miami. So my current hypothesis is that I was excited. It didn't feel like anything, though. What does that mean? If my body is producing the chemicals and stuff, but I can't tell?

I'm trying to figure out the whole friends thing. Most of them have little interest in communicating with me unless we run into each other. Everything is so fragmented now, that inviting several people over is near impossible because so many people won't show up if certain other people are there. I mean I have some people I'd rather not be around, but I'm not going to avoid an event because of it.

In other news. I tried a Wawa sandwich for the first time. When I went to order it off the screen, whenever I picked the option for sandwich, it only gave me the option for bread. So I assumed that it was for whatever sandwich I'd pick. But no, apparently that unit didn't want to offer anything but bread. I tried several times and felt really confused because I didn't know how to order a freaking sandwich, which everybody else seems to be able to do just fine. When I went to another machine, everything made a lot more sense, and worked just fine. It was weird ordering at one area, going to another to pay, just to come back to the first area to get my food. Not the most newbie friendly, but since it takes time to make the food, and people can use several different machines to put in orders, I can see it working well when it's busy and customers already know how it goes.

In other other news, the area of the counter that is supposed to remain free of everything wasn't. I'm frustrated and disappointed but not surprised. At all. I give up.

Failure Clarified

Feedback is good, even when it's not what you want to hear. Sometimes all you know is that you didn't accomplish what you set out to achieve. Every now and then, you get to learn exactly why you were unsuccessful. It doesn't take away the disappointment, but knowing what is necessary to change is a good thing.

Fail degree.

I got my degree in the mail. I was actually kinda proud to have it. It's just an AA, and I'm 30 years old, but I guess sometimes awards are nice. The name written on it isn't mine, though. It's close, but they didn't spell my middle name right. The appreciation I had dissipated quickly. It really hit home how unimportant it is. No matter how you look at it, it's not good. Either the school I graduated from is so blase about it, the names don't even matter. I'm just a faceless, unimportant ID number that made it through the system. Or it's not like that, and the school that gave me a college education isn't competent enough to make sure my name is spelled right on the degree they gave me. Must be a great education I receive. Pure quality right there...

R E S P E C T

A long time ago, I had a very frustrating experience. It's somewhat silly and stupid, but I learned something about myself. I used to play a lot more video games than I do now. Mortal Kombat was one I enjoyed. One of the ridiculous things about it was the complex button combinations required to perform special attacks. They had no rhyme or reason other than to be difficult, which would be impressive if you can pull them off at all the correct moments and defeat your opponent, etc. Well, with all the different characters having different move lists, it was nearly impossible to know them all. I had a one page cheat sheet with a few of the moves for each character. It was somewhat worn, because I actually used it. It had strong creases from repetitive folding, and it was a bit crumpled and wrinkly, too. The paper wasn't even stiff any more. So one day I ended up visiting others my age and I had the game and the cheat sheet with me. At some point the old, but still in tact paper got completely torn.

I got angry. But I could not express myself in any meaningful way. I was furious, really. But nothing could come out of me. I found my eyes tearing up, and I couldn't stop them. When I realized I was crying, I actually became more angry, because I knew nobody understood how I really felt, but I still could not say anything. So more tears. I looked like a big baby that was sad because a piece of paper got torn. In reality, I was furious because of the lack of respect shown towards my property than I let them use.

That frustration with people disrespecting my property still seems to exist, although my reaction isn't the same.

Superbowl Sunday 2013

Last night was the Superbowl. Throughout most of the event I forgot it was happening. We did The M cluster show while it was on. And while it was mentioned during the setup, it was almost like it didn't matter. I could tell Jose wanted to say something about it so the fact that we're live is apparent, but I think since over 80 percent of our views are from the archives, I don't think there is much of a detraction there. After the show, I was doing after the show type stuff before going to hang out with friends. While there, once again the fact that the biggest single sporting event of the year was happening seemed to not be true. Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill was playing on the TV while a few of us were just chatting and BSing. Eventually we played some games and so on. It wasn't until after I got home quite late that I realized that I had no idea what happened. I don't particularly care about the game, but knowing who won is one of those things that keeps the ostracization  from getting too extreme.

It's interesting to realize when you're not as close of a friend as you think you are. It's also interesting to learn what sort of things bring unexpected feelings. That's all I have to say about that.

My actions don't match what I know is right.

I find it silly how what I know doesn't always coincide with how I behave. The specific thing that brings up that comment is knowing things about accomplishing goals. One thing that is pretty clear is that if you constantly put time and effort into something, then for better or worse something will happen regarding what you are trying to achieve. Trying does not always lead to success, but sitting around hoping never works. And if every single day something is done towards achieving a goal, the likelihood of getting somewhere is pretty high. It's too easy to go a week, a month, then a year without actually doing anything to accomplish what you say want to do. But if every single day 30 minutes is spent doing something meaningful or helpful towards your mission, things will happen faster than you'd expect. Actions matter. Others can be helpful, but can't help if they don't know you need it. Or they won't help if you don't seem like you're serious.

It's way too often that on a day off I do nothing. I lay around all day, watch youtube videos, and eat some food, and before I know it, the day is gone. That's sad and pathetic. But when I'm on my way to work, I have a mental checklist of 8 different things I should take care of, most of which don't really take that much to do.

Thankfully, school has been an exception to my laziness. I'm keeping up with my online classes and seem to be doing well so far. I'm not waiting until the last minute or waiting for tons of work to build up before doing my assignments. I may not work on school every day, but I'm never more than 2 or 3 days behind the live lectures.

I can't help but think if I put my resume together, uploaded to places, and actually went out looking for finance jobs, I might actually find one (I know, I know, the economy is terrible, blah, blah, blah). But I keep making excuses. Scheduling around school might be hard. I should have more education. More experienced people would get it over me. I want to start doing my ideal version of the job rather than a less noble version and getting established first. It's ridiculous. Beginning wages in a professional job would be something like a 50% raise over what I currently make, and I'd be in my preferred field. So why am I really not putting more effort into this? I want to say "I don't know." But I think the real answer is I'm just scared. And that's stupid.

Assignment to write my own eulogy.

A while back, I had an assignment for a class in which I had to write my own eulogy. Every student had to write their own eulogy, and it met more resistance than I had ever seen before. The instructor tried to show us how despite the grim nature, it is actually a method of encouragement. By imagining the end of our lives and describing that which we had pretended to achieve, we could see ourselves in a terrific light. That speech did little to help most of the students.

A few students had friends or family actually write their eulogies. I think that defeats the purpose, but whatever. One student had her 3 children each write one, but then only partially read one, even though it was clearly stated that we had to read the entire eulogy, and there was only supposed to be one. But most did the reasonably normal thing, and speak of an inflated, fantastic life.

Mine was one of the different ones. Rather than pretending like I was a friend delivering the eulogy, I pretended I wrote my eulogy on my deathbed to have read for me. So the words I spoke were still coming from me. This is what I wrote.

I'm not in heaven. I'm not in hell. Though I'm dead, I hope you're well. Life begins. Life ends. We have no choice in that. But in our lives, choices define who we are. I chose to live a helpful and rational life. My time on Earth has ended, but I, like all people, left ripples of my existence in my wake. I spent my time trying to make the world around me somewhat better. I was somewhat known for arguing, and whether you believe me or not, that was me creating a positive influence. It's good to question things. It's better to come to conclusions that fit reality, even if you don't like them. One of the most important questions I've ever learned to ask myself is "Why do I believe what I believe?" It's one we should all ask ourselves and work hard to truthfully and honestly answer.

The living world is the only one that matters. I'm gone and I wish I wasn't. If you spent the effort to be here, you probably miss me. I'd miss you too, if I could. I know this is an unusual request, but it's my last chance, and I'm taking it. Leave the world a better place than it would have been without you.

This is by no means a perfect piece of work, but I'm proud of it. I showed it to several people before I had to say it to my classmates, and got into a few discussions I enjoyed based on what I had written. What surprised me was what happened on the day of the presentation. I got more nervous than I ever had been when talking to a class. My entire speech semester was minimally stressful, but when I stood up to present this, everything was different. Normally, I look at the audience, and only glance at what I have written. This time, I couldn't bring myself to look away from the screen I had written it on. Normally, my hearts beats fast as I'm walking up to the front of the class, and calms down after about 10 or 15 seconds. This time it never stopped pounding. Normally my speech is fluid and smooth. This time, I stuttered and got choked up.

It was a unique experience, to say the least.